Sharp Ends Series/ Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 /
Last week I asked for a more difficult photo, and we got one, thanks Madison I sure love a challenge. If your new to Friday fictioneers, click here, to see this weeks prompt and maybe even join in. Anyway, I’m carrying on with the ‘Sharp Ends’ series, here’s part 5 hope you enjoy and remember constructive criticism in welcome!
Tinted windows repelled curious eyes, although they didn’t prevent her from seeing out. Traffic lights brought the car to a standstill, she looked outside at a local McDonald’s and saw a pair of moths flutter about freely. She wished to grow wings and fly away like the moths, but she was a captive, bound by bonds from her past and him.
“Where are you taking me?” She asked, he turned around a mixture of emotions tangled in his smile, deep inside she could see he still loved her, but hurt and anger mirrored it for what she had done.
“Shut up and sit tight babe, we’ve got a long way to drive.”
All things interesting 
May 24, 2012 @ 23:37:07
hmm. Intriguing, now you’ve got to write about this long ride with HIM!
May 25, 2012 @ 17:39:55
I’ll probably find a way of doing that using one prompt.
May 25, 2012 @ 07:24:27
Very convincing and a menacing ending. She’s very calm, contemplating the moths, so I’m hoping she’ll find a way out of whatever he is driving towards.
I would have put full stops in a few places you have commas, but that’s as much concrit as I’m capable of 🙂
Feel free to offer any similar thoughts on mine: http://mysocalleddutchlife.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/moths-from-mars/
May 25, 2012 @ 17:43:05
Thanks, I wanted to show that there was still something between them and that he was kinda quirky, if you know what I mean. Mmm, I find that the fullstops need to be bolder on blogs, cos I can’t see many either.
May 25, 2012 @ 18:52:30
Sounds like a road trip with my DH when the a/c is out. I almost made him walk at one point!
May 25, 2012 @ 18:59:41
haha, my reminds me of when my mum almost made my brother walk home, although we were about 2km away. have you read the other parts to this series?
May 25, 2012 @ 21:11:22
i felt her suffocation! haha…
http://writersclubkl.wordpress.com
May 25, 2012 @ 23:32:04
What a menacing character. I hope she frees herself.
May 26, 2012 @ 01:54:28
You’ve got me hooked to figure out the conclusion of this one. I don’t think I read in any of the others exactly what set him off. I know they were lovers, but she did something and he’s upset. Just a great story.
My attempt: http://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/chasing-the-divine/
May 26, 2012 @ 13:39:11
In the first one she kills a guy and the guy is connected to her lover (him) somehow.
May 26, 2012 @ 01:54:33
Where is he taking her?
Here’s mine: http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/
May 26, 2012 @ 13:39:34
You’ll have to wait and see
May 26, 2012 @ 05:19:08
Mysterious! Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/05/25/fridayfictioneers-preying-mantis/
May 26, 2012 @ 06:43:24
I like the way you’ve been able to blend picture after picture into Sharp Ends.
Looking forward to see what happens next week.
Here’s mine: http://logo-ligi.com/2012/05/25/mothballs/
May 26, 2012 @ 13:40:11
Thanks for reading
May 26, 2012 @ 07:19:04
I like how your continuing the story through the prompts. I find myself waiting each week to see how you’ll tie this photo in.
Here’s mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/05/25/friday-fictioneer-perspective/
May 26, 2012 @ 13:40:59
Same, I spend most the week thinking of what the next prompt might be and how I can use it.
May 26, 2012 @ 14:18:00
Nice and mysterious. I love a little mystery and open endedness. Well done.
May 26, 2012 @ 14:19:10
read the rest of the series if you want, it will give you more of an idea what’s happening.
Friday Fictioneer’s: Sharp Ends, Part 1 « All things interesting
May 26, 2012 @ 14:25:04
Friday Fictioneer’s: Sharp Ends, Part 2 « All things interesting
May 26, 2012 @ 14:26:07
Friday Fictioneer’s: Sharp Ends, Part 3 « All things interesting
May 26, 2012 @ 14:27:03
Friday Fictioneer’s: Sharp Ends, Part 4 « All things interesting
May 26, 2012 @ 14:28:37
May 27, 2012 @ 02:10:47
Concrit:
Tinted windows repelled curious eyes, they didn’t prevent her from seeing out though.
-I think “though” at the end slows the reader down. Maybe replace it with “eyes, but” or put a period after “eyes” and drop “though.”
Traffic lights brought the car to a standstill, she looked out at a local McDonald’s and saw a pair of moths flutter about freely.
-The parallel between the structure of this sentence and the one before seems a little repetitive. Maybe try starting with a prepositional phrase, like “Outside the window”.
She wished to grow wings and fly away like the moths, but she was a captive, bound by bonds from her past and him.
-This is a little too much telling rather than showing for me, but I’m on the extreme end of the spectrum in that regard.
“Where are you taking me?” She asked, he turned around a mixture of emotions tangled in his dominating smile.
-Rather than “a mixture of emotions” I’d rather hear the main character’s interpretation of what those emotions are, and her uncertainty about them; that would get me inside her head more.
“Shut up and sit tight babe, we’ve got a long way to drive.”
-Nothing to recommend here; the dialog reflects the tone of the scene reinforces your characterization of the antagonist.
I hope this was helpful. Full disclosure: I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Mine’s here, and constructive criticism is very welcome: http://stonesoupnovelist.com/2012/05/24/a-scene-from-the-novel-the-alchemists-tower/
May 27, 2012 @ 09:33:39
I have changed some of the things you mentioned in your essay, haha. Thanks for the crit, I was reading it and wondering when it was going to end. I knew that last line suited, good thing I got something right. Since it’s a series and only about 100 words each piece of writing, I’m trying to spread her thoughts and emotions out instead of cramming them in one part.
May 27, 2012 @ 03:29:50
Weirdly, a nice respite from the sawing tension of the past few weeks. As time progresses, I’m hoping for revelations of the past. How long ago did this nightmare really begin? And is it deserved?
Here’s my attempt,
http://notforallmarkets.wordpress.com/2012/05/25/beauty-in-truth/
May 27, 2012 @ 09:37:29
Well. each week can’t be a full on bloody battle can it, it needs some parts for mystery and her thoughts and emotions otherwise it doesn’t have that certain thought-provoking someting to it. And I am building up to the part where everything is revealed, you just have to wait. Thanks for stopping by.
May 27, 2012 @ 13:02:34
Very nice. Your serial is playing out nicely and you always leave us with a good cliff-hanger every time. I’ll be curious to see what you come up with next week, too!